My first attempt at writing today’s column bombed. I’m not used to writing about Husbands or Fathers, but since it’s Father’s Day, that’s the only appropriate subject. Past attempts to write about him have been either oversentimental or sarcastic. Why is it so difficult to write well about my better half?
He is the only constant in my life. Sure, I have old friends – the best kind – but I don’t see them very often because they live at least a county away if not in a different state. My new friends are there for me, but their regularity in my life depends on many variables such as what job I’m working or what activity my kids choose this season. And my kids? They’re changing all of the time. One phase of their growth is that they’re busy becoming independent and pushing me away, and in another phase they’re clinging tightly to my leg.
Husband? He’s cut in stone, reliable, consistent. And that’s why I said yes to him 17 years ago.
My children don’t even know what a great Dad they have – because like all parents who “are doing it right,” he is taken completely for granted by all of us[/pullquote]. I’ve heard stories of men who’ve had mid-life crises, but my Baby Daddy just insisted we figure out a way to make the old mini-van cough out a few more years while he called the financial planner to up the amount in our kids’ college funds. Some men are in the electronics stores buying the newest gadgets every payday. His only “gift” to himself is long weekend he takes each year with the fellas.
Where is he each afternoon? At home, helping our third grade daughter with her math. Listening to our first grade daughter read her book room book. Outside mowing the lawn with a tractor he’s fixed three times, again in an effort to save the family some money.
Where is he each night? Cooking a fish dinner that rivals one in any restaurant or his weekly spaghetti that I insist he make since he’s got the Italian genes for it, and my sauce never tastes as good even if I put in all the same ingredients.
And where is he each morning? For the past two years, he’s taken over “morning duty” with the kids because of my change in jobs. He makes sure all the kids are on the bus after what is sometimes a chaotic rush but is usually running smoothly because he’s helped them to gain so much independence in that short amount of time. This spring, they even ride their bikes up to the bus stop, and a few minutes later, he follows behind them in the van before heading off to work himself.
Speaking of work, he does so without complaint. It wasn’t until I pointed out to him that I didn’t know if I was going to be able to make it through the “long haul” because teaching is – although not obviously physical – an exhausting occupation that drains me emotionally because I take care of people all day long. “Don’t you ever get tired?” I asked him. He finally let me know that he’s been tired for awhile now (his job actually does require some physicality in addition to the emotional expenditure: he is on his feet most of the day supervising students using machines in the wood shop and showing them how to make more efficient cuts.) I would never have known that he was feeling so much of that wear and tear that happens to all of us because he’s not a complainer. He has a bad back though, and years ago a surgery helped him, but the pain is back, and we’re having to figure out new solutions. Even with the challenge of chronic back pain, however, he has an excellent work history, and is planning on working not only to his retirement age but quite possibly beyond because we started our family when we were older, and he’s well aware of the cost of college.
As I share these details about my children’s father, you are no doubt thinking of the myriad ways your children’s father contributes to the quality of your respective lives.
Maybe he commutes long hours to a job he doesn’t love but that pays well so you can stay at home with the kids. Or maybe you both work out of the home, but you know he’s pursuing a promotion to a different department in order to get that raise the family needs. Perhaps after that long commute he grills hamburgers outside now that we’re in BBQ season, or after dinner, he starts putting in the drywall downstairs so you can finally finish your basement.
With the kids, maybe your husband is the ringmaster of the circus like mine is. I rely on him to be “the fun one.” He’s constantly joking with them, wrestling the boys, outside with all of them and playing fetch with our dog. There’s a lot of laughter in our house thanks to his jokes, the levity he brings to every situation, no matter how serious. He has an ongoing joke with Oldest Daughter about how much she loves him compared to Mommy. She has allowed him 99 to my 100 today since it is Father’s Day, and although I know how attached she is to me, I also know that in her heart, she is Daddy’s Girl, and that she only chooses me the other days of the year because she knows I need her to.
Dad, secure in his place in all of our hearts, lets the rest of us shine in the spotlights he creates for us. He is our cheerleader, our pit crew, “the wind beneath our wings.” When he isn’t home, the house feels empty even though there are five of us in it. Maybe it is because he knows how to make all of us feel special, feel loved. So that when he is not here, we have to do it for ourselves. Maybe that is another reason I said yes 17 years ago: he saw something in me I suspected was there but that I wasn’t fully sure of … and now, all these years later when I’ve found my mojo because he helped me discover it, he is giving that same gift to our kids …. holding up a mirror to their inner essence and letting them know just how very wonderful they are.
That’s a great Dad. One who is always putting others first.
Happy Father’s Day to you, Mark Smaltz, and to all of the other Dads out there who work so hard each day to provide for their families and to make their families happy.
Support Bristow Beat - Donate Today!